crazycarl's top ten books for "scared stiff reviews"

CRAZYCARL’S TOP TEN BOOKS FOR SCARED STIFF REVIEWS

do kids still read in 2008?---nah, I don’t think so…..do I really give a shit?---uh, no…..and you won’t get any preaching me from either…..i like watching tv and searching webshots for amateur college pee pix the same as the next dude…..i like reading too, but it’s a little harder to explain……full disclosure: I’m an english professor…..and although I’ve prolly read 1000’s of books, they were all for THE MAN and I retained next-to-nothing……I was 36-years-old before I ever read a book for pleasure (and that was after I graduated with a ph.d. in english literature)……to tell ya the truth, I never felt entitled to read……like I read comic books and subscribed to pro wrestling illustrated as a kid, but I hated the 9th grade summer reading list as much as you did…..my parents currently subscribe to 3 newspapers and time, but I’ve never seen either one of them read a novel……hillbillies read newspapers and I guess that’s why I ultimately break my reading list down into: 1) books I read for THE MAN and 2) books I read for me…..so why I am about to break down my top ten fav books for you here?----I’ll give you 2 rather trifling reasons and if you still want to go search for pix of geno’s nana on the toilet, be my fucking guest……seinfeld was an excellent show, ya know…..and there was a throwaway scene in an early episode where seinfeld talks about how/why people keep books in their houses as trophies….and I know that seems like a rather minor point, but I think it’s true…..like some people keep deer heads on their walls while other people keep books on their shelves----and they taught me at kent state that everyone is special in their own right…..the 2nd reason has to do with what I tell my students on the first day of class about reading---that there’ll come a day when it will no longer be kool for them to drive around cranking young jeezy in their minivans while driving their stepkids to soccer practice……I tell them that, in the future, they’ll be required to go to border’s and drink coffee and that it’s imperative for them to look kool while doing so (and my job is to teach them that lesson)…….and if you came for random crazycarl nuggets of bookstore wisdom: 1) you can never go wrong with rockstar biographies chocked full of sex, drugs, and rock n’ roll, 2) the true crime section is always sexy, 3) it’s much easier to understand the book if you’ve already seen the movie, 4) chicks dig astrology---like the only pick-up line that’s ever worked for me besides: “dude, do you wanna get high” is “dude, do you want me to read your palm,” and 5) (perhaps the most important) don’t ever talk to anyone who’s hanging out in the self-help section
10) FAT ON THE VINE (because if you don’t pop for yourself, no one else will): a lot of my friends dig hunter s thompson and they seem to be disappointed when the crazy stories I tell them in person don’t seem to measure up when they read my novel……and i’ve never met hunter s thompson, but I’ve done enough drugs to know that johnny depp doesn’t always magically appear and dance shirtless with you through the blue and yellow purple hills……sometimes you get sad and sometimes you get mad and it’s almost always embarrassing the next morning……I think hunter s thompson wanted you to think he was a rockstar whereas I was just screaming into my diary…..i could have revised it too, but that was my 1997 (assblood and all)……and you can call me a dick, but I’ve never lied to you…..that book is 92% bloodreal----as close as I could come to the truth without losing my mind
9) THE SHINING: I’ve got to assume that for every 5 people that love stephen king, there are 5 others that hate him……I’ve only read 2 of king’s books: salem’s lot (which I thought dragged on a bit too long) and the shining (which I loved)…..i also loved stanley kubrick’s film, the shining (1980) as well as the 1997 tv mini-series with the dude from wings…..there’s hardly a week that goes by that I don’t make reference to tony (danny torrance’s “imaginary friend” in the novel and my only friend in iowa)…..like people will ask me what I’m doing over the labor day weekend and I’ll just curl my index finger and talk about “hanging out with my special friend”…….and maybe you wanna know whether I prefer king’s novel to kubrick’s film?----well, honestly, there’s only one example I can think of where my answer to that question would be that the film is equal to the book and the book is equal to the film….they are both excellent and would make my top ten list in both categories----the shining as king and kubrick at the height of their (respective) creative powers
8) THE ELECTRIC KOOL-AID ACID TEST: I think this was the 1st book on the list that I read….and, as always, you can never go wrong with sex, drugs, and rock n’ roll…..you ever wonder what it would have been like to do 25 hits of acids and hang out with the grateful dead for the weekend?.....you ever wonder what it would have been like to do 100 hits of acid and drive a school bus across country with neal cassady and jack kerouac?.....you know I have……did you hear that a film adaptation of the book directed by gus van sant is scheduled to be released in 2009?....crazycarl says to bring your favorite hell’s angel
7) TOP TEN HONORABLE MENTIONS: 10) WATERSHIP DOWN: i don’t know why, but I’ve always had a thing about rabbits, 9) Little Red Riding Hood Missed the Bus: kristin abraham’s mother should fight mine in a cage match, 8) JIM MORRISON: LIFE, DEATH, LEGEND: my fav dead rockstar bio 7) The Rules of Attraction: I know the underground literary alliance is gonna hate me, but jessica biel is fucking, smokin’ hot, 6) BURY MY HEART AT WOUNDED KNEE: I’m trendy like that, 5) ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO’S NEST: it makes me want to get committed just for the stories 4) DISHWASHER: dishwasher pete washes dishes in all fifty states…..recommend the book to your local dishwasher and he’ll still be packing you bowls in 2018, 3) THE PORNOGRAPHIC FLABBERGASTED EMUS: opus from bloom county walks the mean streets of youngstown and emerges unscathed , 2) THE COLLECTOR: for all the budding serial killers on your list, 1) THE COMPLETE FABULOUS FURRY FREAK BROTHERS: for all the stoners on your list that are too high to read
6) A CLOCKWORK ORANGE: I know the dialect is hard, but o my brothers, the rape scene from the movie would certainly be in my top ten list of the most disturbing moments in cinematic history……in fact, the seniors at my high school would make the freshman watch kubrick’s a clockwork orange (1971) just to watch us squirm (and you would have been labeled pussy-4-life if you dared to sneak out)…..i’ve debated about reading the novel in class, but obviously the kids would want to watch the movie, and invariably, someone’s mom would complain……and if you don’t think a clockwork orange deserves to be in the top ten, let me just leave you with a little blurb from wikipedia: “ The Clockwork Orange House of Fun Match was created by professional wrestler Raven during his time in TNA Wrestling. It’s a singles match for which a chain link wall is erected on one side of the ring with chains wrapped from it to various points on the ring itself with weapons hanging from them. In the first match the only way to win was to put an opponent through two tables, but afterwards it was changed to falls-count-anywhere rules.”
5) FIGHT CLUB: the first rule of crazycarl is that he’ll damn skippy read the last page of a novel first and then tell you what happened……fight club is all about the hook----and tyler durden (brad pitt) is really the narrator’s alter ego…..and if you didn’t already think that the brothers campbell were the koolest-of-all-that’s kool, did I ever tell you that they tried to organize a kent state fight club back-in the-day?…..like it was supposed to be in the backroom of a tattoo parlor, but on the night I went, it was mysteriously cancelled at the last minute (fear of 5-0?)…..they eventually re-scheduled and I think there was a broken nose and some stitches, but word-on-the-street is that real punks don’t beat the piss out of their friends just for the house’s amusement
4) A CONFEDERACY OF DUNCES: jonathan swift once wrote that: “When a true genius appears in the world, you may know him by this sign, that all the dunces are in a confederacy against him.”……the hero of the novel, ignatius j reilly is fat, perverted, slothful, over-educated, unemployed, and lives with his overbearing mother…..does that sound like anyone you used to know?---yeah, me too….john belushi was supposed to play ignatius in the movie, but he died……john candy was supposed to play ignatius in the movie, but he died…..chris farley was supposed to play ignatius in the movie, but he died…..geno, I’m ready for my curtain call…..and before I forget: god bless john kennedy toole for killing himself
3) FEAR AND LOATHING IN LAS VEGAS: ok, so maybe I wanna believe that johnny depp is gonna cum and we’re all gonna dance shirtless in the blue and yellow purple hills too…..and one man’s gonzo is another man’s bloodreal……solace-in-excess (as a concept) works for me---you know, the counter culture ideal that prolonged drug use will allow the hero to escape the course realities of american life…..i don’t think you can stretch the rubber-band-that-is-your-brain indefinitely though…..i also like “faction” as a concept---the faulknerian notion that the best fiction comes from fact…..note: if I had written this top ten a couple years ago, fear and loathing in las vegas would have prolly come in at #10…..however, since hunter s thompson had the (celebrity) nutsack to kill himself, his novel is now #3 with a bullet
2) MISERY LOVES COMEDY: have you ever heard of ivan brunetti?.....he’s a chicago cartoonist whose commix, schizo, hee!, and haw! are included in the collection, misery loves comedy……and just in case, geno can’t get around copyright law, I’d like to describe a few of the panels which are included on comicartcollective.com (if you’re curious, they have 100 brunetti cels for sale and every single one has been sold)…..in “I bought him off a crack whore,” an 8-year-old boy is talking to an 8-year-old girl while peeing on a baby’s head….the boy says to the girl: “don’t worry, I bought him off a crack whore”……in “not a sex crime,” two parents arrive home and discover a naked man standing over their daughter in a pool of blood…..the killer says: “it’s not a sex crime because I didn’t pop a boner”……..i could go on, but I think I’ll leave “I tried to use my cock as a bong,” “did you switch my heroin with drano,” and “his dad tried to get fruity” to the readers’ imagination…..i’ve often thought of sending brunetti a copy of fat on the vine
1) HELTER SKELTER: about midway through vincent bugliosi’s account of the manson murders, he talks about how charlie required the mothers-of-the-family to fellate their own 6-month-old babies in order to “eradicate the hang-ups” of their bourgeoisie parents…….what the fuck do you want me to say after that?....it’s not a brunetti comic and it’s not from the oprah’s book club….hell, I don’t even think the censors would have allowed the oprah’s uncle to have done that to her in a brunetti cartoon…..tell me tell me tell me the answer/you may be a lover but you aint no dancer/ look out helter skelter helter skelter/helter skelter yeah/ooh!/