crazycarl's travel guide for "scared stiff reviews"

CRAZYCARL’S TRAVEL GUIDE:

how many of you out there have a friend who judges your hipness in relation to how often you travel?....how many of you out there have a friend who swears that the blueberries in venice are infinitely sweeter than the blueberries in indianapolis?......and maybe travel-as-money is an elitist concept to begin with, but I can’t tell you how many friends I have who sweat me with a : “dude, you’ve never been to amsterdam?----dude, you’ve gotta go to amsterdam!”……and I try to tell them that I’ve been to amsterdam-in-my-head, but they don’t believe me/just aint feeling it……and what bugs me is that these same people tend to define their respective identities thru their travels---BAM, i’m smart and rich and cultured because I went to spain last summer----BAM, I’m smart and rich and cultured because I’m going to scotland this summer…… and I know the punkrockers would say that this is a class issue because poor people don’t have the money to jet off to exotic west virginia anytime they feel like it……it could also be argued that, often times, people travel to escape their problems at home----like if your stepchildren are uglier and dumber than their father, why not spend a few weeks on the jersey shore?.....and while that certainly may be true, I think the real issue concerns our capacity to free our collective minds (in the parliament funkadelic sense of the word)…..and this scenario creates some practical problems that many of our (richer) traveling friends might not understand……for example, let’s pretend that the big handsome was traveling in spain…..how would the big handsome get drugs?.....what would happen if the big handsome tried to buy drugs on the street and got arrested or throw in jail?.....for that matter, in our post 9/11 world, should the big handsome try to sneak drugs onto the plane inside his taint?.....how long could the big handsome go without drugs?.....could the big handsome possibly have a good time overseas without drugs?----all valid questions and believe me, the answer to the last one would be a definitive: “hell no”…….the best advice I could offer the big handsome would be to go to the dentist and have a tooth pulled and then get a prescription filled for the pain…..what other options are there?.....he could maybe roll on the plane, but trust me, we all gotta come down some time……I would also recommend driving over flying…..like people on airplanes pretend to be nice to you for a while, but eventually you hit an invisible wall where they think: “ if I talk to this person much longer, he’ll wind up thinking that he’s as important as me”----and then the snooty prick in the seat next to you will let you know in no uncertain terms that they gots important biddness to take care of and can’t waste anymore of their valuable time talking to a tourist like you……more importantly, when you drive, you get to carry all your “stuff” with you…..for example, let’s pretend geno had to get to sundance for the world premiere of evil awakening (2008)----you don’t think airport security would ask what he was doing with his nana’s head-on-stick when they went thru his carry-on luggage?----you know that they damn skippy would whereas if geno were driving, he could just toss his nana’s head under some socks in the suitcase and there’s a 99.9% chance that nobody would even notice/care…..as for me (and I’m no paris hilton), I wouldn’t be caught dead “vacationing” without my: 1) “blood pressure” pills, 2) visine, 3) cough drops, 4) peanut butter, 5) skim milk, 6) cracker, 7) “cigarettes,” 8) imodium ad, 9) gum, 10) loaf bread, 11) balloons, 12) pillow, 13) lighter, 14) knife, 15) carton of water, 16) refrigerator magnets (to give to the sluts along the way), 17) sunglasses, 18) a 12-pack of toilet paper, 19) stocking cap, and 20) greer’s goo……anyway, please to enjoy crazycarl’s travel guide for 2009:

10) ALASKA: did sarah palin change what you thought of alaska?----it didn’t for me…..when I went there last summer to visit my friend, alaska dave, I had hoped that everyone would be drunk all the time (and they motherfucking were)…..like it seemed to me that if you actually made it to work on time, the boss didn’t really care if you were hammered or hungover or puking or whatever as long as you showed up…..and what’s even kooler is that you could show up drunk and BRING YOUR DOG TO WORK WITH YOU…..it was the most dog-friendly place that I have ever seen……I pictured drunken pilots flying to crab festivals where the whole town shut down and got drunk for the weekend----done and done…..i pictured bigfathairy dudes driving their motorcycles around the bar at 3am and teenagers bumming smokes off their grannies at 6am---done and well……and if you want a sweet story for the senior citizen in your life: there was only one radio station in the 300 plus miles between wasilla and denali and here’s a random sampling of what the news was like: “yeah, missy mcgahee’s dog got loose last night, so if any of ya’ll see gracie on the mountain, be a good neighbor and take her back up to the pen…..also, you all know what happened to geno last summer, so if anyone has a wood splitter and some spare time, maybe go over and help geno out with his woodpile”…..and like it says on the license plate: alaska truly is the last frontier
9) BLACKSBURG, VA: motherfucking sux…..it sucked in 1994 and it sux even more in 2009 (post-serial killer)……I went to school there, ya know (and I like to think that I’m a funny guy)----well, no one got my sense of humor at all…..it’s a party school, right?---yeah, if your idea of a party is 50 dudes and 3 girls and the 3 girls all have better boyfriends back home……and I’ll admit that I made some really good friends there, but we’d just go camping every weekend/trip thru the hills (because there really was nothing else to do)……so how is it different after post-massacre?----well, when I was there last summer, there was a fat, mustachioed cop on every street corner carrying an ak-47 assault rifle trying to make up for his lack of effort in the spring of 2007……hell, the person in front of me even got a speeding ticket for driving 22 in a 15 mph zone…..do yourself a favor: buy yourself a pint, a virginia tech hat, and watch the game on tv
8) CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA: is to the university of virginia what blacksburg is to virginia tech……and if you’re going to c-ville, might I suggest you bring a shitload of money……why?----because that beautiful, barefoot, hippie girl with the dreadlocks and the tye-dye dress that you just danced with isn’t really a hippie----she’s a poseur with a trust fund, and a porsche, and vice presidency at shell oil waiting for her as soon as she graduates from uva’s darden school of business……charlottesville is basically chocked full of “green” douchebags who’ll yell at you for an hour for flicking a cigarette out of your car, but then drive off in their $50,000 suv looking for the nearest european (bottled)beer…..and when they blame the death of all the lightning bugs on your cigarette butt, kindly inform them that you’re doing your part to save toilet paper by handling the first 2 rounds of the asswipe with your fingers (just like they do in the philippine rainforest)….. “living off the grid”---be sure and let that dude charge all the drinks to his mother’s credit card…. “backyard windmill”----yeah dude, I’ll see ya later, I gotta get up early for work tomorrow....for that matter, I think I’ll leave the charlottesville section with some of my own lyrics to the tune of phish’s “golgi apparatus”: well, I look at other peoples’ berks just to check my status/call mummy on the phone have her send more hiker apparatus/I saw you with a ticket stub in your hand/I saw you with the abercrombie and fitch man/I saw you with the price tag on your sleeve/I heard you tell the poor they had to leave./
7) HEY BIG HANDSOME, WHAT ARE PEOPLE FROM INDIANAPOLIS LIKE?.....big handsome responds: “let’s take our credit card and go to the mall and buy some shit made out of plastic…..no, wait, let’s go to another mall and max out another credit card by buying more shit made out of plastic”…….HEY BIG HANDSOME, WHAT ARE PEOPLE FROM MICHIGAN LIKE?.....big handsome responds: “where’s my gun?….where’s my hat?…..where’s my beer?…..hold on, there’s a deer: BAMBAMBAM…..KILLKILLKILL…..DIEDIEDIE…….hey look, there’s a squirrel: BAMBAMBAM…..KILLKILLKILL…..DIEDIEDIE……look out, there’s a hamster: BAMBAMBAM…..KILLKILLKILL….DIEDIEDIE”…….(note: these are real responses from the big handsome…..i personally know some really sweet people from indy, but I’d have to agree with him about michigan)
6) COLORADO SPRINGS, CO: while we’re on the subject of the big handsome, I might as well tell you about my trip out there to visit him in the spring of 2007…..i did some internet research before I went and was pleased to discover that all the kids are on drugs and all the adults are on jesus…..in fact, sometimes it was hard to tell the difference…..like if you wanted to wear your wife’s floral print dress down the street, colorado springs was the place to be…..if you wanted to dress like exodor from “mork & mindy,” it was ok to let your freak flag fly……to tell ya the truth, if darth vader were working the checkout line at the local quickie mart, I don’t think the good people of colorado would have even noticed……case in point: I told this (hottie) hippie chick who was hanging out in front of the big handsome’s coffee shop that her dog said something to me “about pueblo,” but that since I was from virginia, I didn’t quite understand “colorado dog”…..her (deadpan) response: “that’s freaky, ‘cause I like got him at a shelter in pueblo…..what else did he say?”
5) IOWA: I think I told you about iowa before…..every small town has 8 baseball fields, 9 graveyards, and lots of dudes with mustaches…..IN IOWA, YOU’RE 1) BORN, 2) YOU GROW A MUSTACHE, AND 3) THEN YOU DIE…..maybe somewhere along the way you grow a mullet and get thrown in over-the-limit squirrel jail, but I think you get my point…..and god bless iowa for saving what’s left of crazycarl
4) MADISON, VA: my hometown can be summed up in one phrase: “if you stand next to the stove, you’re gonna catch on fire”
3) PITTSBURGH: I was 24 the first the first time I went to a party in pittsburgh---and the police came….i was 39 the last time I went to a party in pittsburgh---and the police came……in between, my friend, nootie lived in shady side and the police should have been called every day……I think I told you before about those underground “parties” too---complete with topless, lesbian rubdowns, special k rooms, and just general debauchery inside the confines of an old paintball factory……ya know, nootie musta been pretty popular there because whenever I went into a store with him in the strip district, employees would just give me anything I wanted off the store’s shelves….you’re a friend of nootie’s?---take this tee-shirt and necklace…..you’re staying with nootie?---take a couple of subs home with you for later (and in pittsburgh, they put some interesting shit in the sandwiches, ya know?)…..in retrospect (and beyond the sphere of influence of the great gnu), I think pittsburgh has more culture/flava that its’ fellow rustbelt sister cities……I think it must be all those polish girls with the big tits and the even bigger hair singing neil diamond songs
2) POTPOURRI: 10) PHILLY: go to the germ bookstore and tell the man that you want to meet a real satanist, 9) THE QUAD CITIES: might I suggest a trip to border’s and then dinner at applebee’s?, 8) LAKEWOOD, OH: where old kent state punkrockers go to die, 7) LOUISVILLE: home of the big handsome and thousands of riverboat gambler types with get-rich-quick schemes that never seem to pan out, 6) LONDON: there was this bulldog that walked himself around the block and wouldn’t look at you even if you had a pocketful of meat, 5) RICHMOND, VA: make my funk the p-funk/I wants to get funked up/, 4) PARIS: mama was having “female troubles” that day, so I don’t think I’m really qualified to say…..i will say that the city was dirty and the people stunk though, 3) DANVILLE, VA: straight out of mad max (1979)….if you know you’re a hardass, get out…..if not, just keep driving, 2) AKRON: just keep driving…..don’t stop for gas….just keep driving, 1) ASHLAND, VA: all the really good drug dealers live in the fraternity houses…..tell them that your name is gipper and that you used to be a pika
1) YOUNGSTOWN: I know there’s that wred fright song, but don’t believe the hype…..youngstown makes akron seem like iowa……let me set the scene: STRIP CLUB, BURNED OUT FACTORY, LIQUOR STORE…..the next block: STRIP CLUB, BURNED OUT FACTORY, LIQUOR STORE…..the nicest neighborhood in canfield: STRIP CLUB, BURNED OUT FACTORY, LIQUOR STORE……pauley walnuts didn’t get out of the car and bruce springsteen just flew over, ya know?......and the last time I was in youngstown, I went to the elks’ lodge to cover “the jim traficant victory party” for the local alternative weekly…..jim traficant happened to be in jail at the time, but that didn’t stop me from touching tish traficant on the arm and complimenting her on the mink stole that she was wearing……and every time the election results were updated on tv, I would sneak platefuls of chicken and polish sausage out to my car…..i think that brother traficant wound up with like 11% of the popular vote in that particular election, but I drove home with a carload full of kielbasas at the end of the night…..wred fright, take me out: there was a fight at the pick-wick pub/I said: smoke all the crack and then beer-belly love/y-town, yeah, it’s my favorite place/I’ll smash a beer bottle ___ __ ____/I’m going to youngstown/there’s no ____ in youngstown/wred’s mom’s from youngstown/that’s why we live in youngstown./