PAGE 1 (with some 2007 censorship)

i wonder if she’ll ever read this.....i don’t really give a fuck if she sues me for using her real name....i haven’t spoken to her in 11 months now and if i don’t write this down soon i might begin to lose a piece of her....the fifth phone message i left last may 8th under a cloud of mushrooms and jagermeister was a lil hazy then and it is a lil hazy now.....it went something along the lines of: “dude, maybe you should just go ahead and marry some oldfat___..... no one in amerika is gonna give a ___ a job......they couldn’t fuckin afford the $80 zit cream anyway....go ahead and marry j. bob.....take his goldcard and go eat out your hairdresser...... i bet you could still make it back in time to be the goya ornament on his arm at the fuckin faculty mixer!”...... i was 28 years old and julie was the first girl that i had ever had sex with....(note--i’ll leave the king’s english behind because i didn’t vote for his ass anyway)... now i’m 30, work as a middle school librarian in virginia and live in my parents' basement..... julie supposedly lives in chicago where she gives piano lessons 10 hours per week and lives off her kalifornia parents......as we speak i’m sure julie is dining in a fabulous restaurant and discussing fabulous places with some fabulous, upper-middle class, cosmopolitan, bohemian muthafucker... for assmass, i had the art teacher at school do her portrait....in the painting, she was wearing blue jeans and a nirvana tee-shirt and holding 2 tix which read “choke horse”...... the trees in the background were in the process of turning into lollipops and by the time i framed and mailed it, i had spent like $200 bucks...i even included presents for her mom,dad and dog.....i didn’t hear anything from her but at least i got to play the martyr again.....maybe that is all that is left now....i have to prove to myself that i wasn’t an idiot for making her into my ideal....how could i not be in love with someone who would get so fucked up that she couldn’t even wipe herself?..... i remember taking her home to virginia to go hiking and having to wipe her ass because she was too high to do it on her own...it might sound crazy but i dug that more than i could put into words.....the fact that she trusted me enough to let me do the most private of things meant the world to me.... i would have wiped her ass for the next hundred years...she was just like a lil baby and she needed me....