PAGE 10 (with some 2007 censorship)

my attempts at interacting with the hipper joycean crowd was just as memorable albeit embarrassing (even for me)....with in the ranks of the new guard was this fat, speech-impediment having, new york blowhard we unaffectionally dubbed eclaire.....eclaire fancied her self as the fuckin ___ ohio equivalent of gertrude stein and would have lame-ass cocktail parties where she served mimosas, played tori amos records and spent the evening getting sloppy drunk.....the first one of these parties i attended i actually hooked up with some chubby goth girl so i was kinda stoked to hit the 2nd with julie on my arm....i brought a fatty bottle of jagermeister with me and began pouring shots for all of my professors----especially my chick professors.....as the evening progressed the trippy trips began to kick in and i sorta lost control.....eclaire got hongry and decided to make her some pizza.....supposedly i got hold of some of the toppings and began to not so subtlely clock some of my professors in the head with slices of pepporoni....i went into eclaire’s bathroom, opened her medicine cabinet and decided to steal her laxatives.....i’m not exactly sure why, but i guess i just thought fat-ass eclaire would be needing to shit sometime in the future and her not being able to would be funny....at the time, eclaire was almost as fucked-up as me so she really didn’t notice what i was doing....as julie and i got ready to leave eclaire came up to me with the intention of drunkenly kissing me on the cheek.....on instinct, i turned and kissed her full on the mouth....there had been an ice storm the day before so when i hit her front step it was a solid sheet of ice....i slipped and fell right onto her flower pot shattering it into pieces....in the span of about 30 seconds i had kissed my current professor on the mouth in public and drunkenly fell on her porch breaking a flower pot.....eclaire wasn’t mad that night but by the time word got around to her that i had stolen her laxatives, she was furious.....i tried to apologize and give her some of my father’s homemade wine but she would have none of it.....i skipped her next 3 parties and finally decided to crash her last one before i left ___ state for good....i gave her a box of chocolates and asked if i could stay at her party..... this fat, watered-down gertrude stein said that i couldn’t come in the house but that i could stay in her yard as long as i didn’t smoke any marijuana.....again, why would anyone prefer a fictitious ernest hemingway when papa could be in your house stealing your laxatives and clocking you in the head with pepperonis?......you know i put a motherfuckin plastic yard duck down my pants before i left that party.....