summer booktour selections

BALTIMORE: i was the headliner that night, so after rummaging through the socialist book section of the store, I decided that my intro would entail offering to trade the poor socialists copies of my book for their panties----needless to say, my “joke” didn’t go over too well, especially with the head socialist, kate (who looked an awful lot like a girl named kate who was a student at that school in virginia where I was fired)….i forgot to mention that my “routine” basically entailed letting the audience choose from a list of 10 topics ranging from “tales of the big handsome” to “bad professor” and then I would improvise the rest…..one of the more popular choices on the list was “____ gets arrested” and you know that any good socialist worth her salt would wanna hear of battles with the Man…..of course, [CENSORED BECAUSE I LOVE MY MAMA] AND YOU JUST HAVE TO KNOW THAT WASN’T GOING TO GO OVER VERY WELL IN A COMMUNIST/ANARCHIST/FEMINIST BOOKSTORE…..i spent the majority of the rest of my time on stage apologizing to head socialist, kate and assuring the young socialists in the crowd that “MY KARMA WAS MUCH BETTER IN 2007 AND THAT I HAD LEARNED MY LESSONS WELL”…..needless to say, the co-op didn’t order any more of my books…..before the evening was over, I did manage to take some photos with some of the sexier socialists….i also took a shit in their bathroom that would have made karl marx use the exxon crapper down the street…..i personally sold 2 books that night---one to a high school english teacher who was trying to act much kooler than she really was and the other to a taiwanese doctor who was snapping pictures of me like I was elvis----I can only hope that the masturbatory pleasure that originates from photos of me can equal those of lil, baltimore-socialist whores…..

PHILADELPHIA: next up: philly (the home of the underground literary alliance)…..as you know I’ve been to philly a couple times before, so I kinda knew what to expect…..the 007 secret headquarters of the underground literary alliance are so underground that you have go through the looking glass of the inner city to even get there…..in this case, our bookreading was at a satanic bookstore filled with aleister crowley and anton lavey memorabilia….not to worry though----in this particular instance, the “satanist” turned out to be this middle-aged widower who had placed a handwritten note next to the toilet with instructions for maximum flushing efficiency…..you were expecting glen danzig?---me too, but after philly, I get the distinct impression that most “satanists” got picked on a lot in middle school….well, if some bully picks on david (the bookstore owner) in 2007, david might just have to send his lord/master, satan over to the bully’s house to give him a danzig-style beatin’…(*note: I’ve always hoped that god and the babyjesus appreciated the pain and/or sarcasm in my writing and I would hope that lord lucifer would extend me the same courtesy*)…….the bookstore itself was full of freaks---winos, the near-homeless, drug addicts of all shapes and sizes, plus the avant-garde of the philadelphia literary scene….my favorite moment of the evening was when I got this “hot” girl from the audience to call the big handsome on speakerphone…..i put “hot” in quotes because the girl in question appeared to have had a drug-induced stroke which left her with just a touch of the bell’s palsy----like she was 25 and had a nice ass, but one side of her face was kinda dead…..she was also a satanist who attended the bi-monthly “bloodsugarsexmagic” parties at the bookstore along with her boyfriend…..if you’re curious, I passed out fliers of a goofy-looking big handsome at each show and encouraged women from the audience to call and flirt with him (his cell phone number was included on the fliers, so if you’re in an eastern city, be on the lookout at all the bus stops and dive bars)…..anyway, after a lil speakerphone smalltalk about his “beautiful cats,” the chick asked big handsome if she could COME OVER TO HIS PLACE AND “CUT HERSELF”----the big handsome’s response: “THAT WOULD BE AWESOME” (and the crowd went nuts)……

NEW YORK CITY: next up: new york’s titty…..and I know a lot of you poseurs out there think that all life begins and ends in new york, but judging my entire value as a human being on how much I tip the bartender aint my idea of nirvana…..if you want me to try to give a shout out: at one point, wred and I were stonecold lost and I had eaten enough marijuana cookies to be a lil scared/intimidated…..and it struck me in the middle of that busy intersection that it must be pretty hard to live in new york, especially if you don’t have the bankroll to back up the value of your soul….that’s it, new york----you and bette midler are certainly welcome…..