summer tour report: chicagoland

CHICAGO: did I think julie would actually show?....well, wred and I were debating that point in the car and my predictions kept changing along with my belly….i think the final tally was as follows: 8% chance that julie would actually show, 12% chance that her family would send some off-duty cops (or a lawyer) to literally/figuratively beat my ass, 40% that nothing would happen and a 40% chance that julie would send some sort of spy……and if it were me, I think I would have gone for the latter…..when I got back from the bar, there was an older lady sitting in the back row that looked incredibly out of place for quimby’s (perhaps the koolest alternative bookstore that I’ve ever seen)…..the lady in question was in her late sixties; she was well-dressed and appeared to be quite wealthy/refined…..(*note: did you notice I included the first semi-colon of my parents’ medicine just now?----just for julie’s aunt, ya know)…..i know that julie used to go visit an aunt who lived in chicago who was the headmistress of a school for gifted kids and although I can’t 100% swear that this lady was julie’s aunt, I’m relatively certain that it was…..the lady looked like julie and talked like julie….how do I know?---because I dedicated the whole show to her in what turned out to be my best performance of the tour…..in two words, I was WILD and CHARMING (and the special cookies and a bump in the alley didn’t hurt my cause either)…...did I mention that I was drinking an open container on stage in the bookstore?....did I mention that a rival “literary gang” sent their asian posse to heckle us, but I ran them off in less than 30 seconds after inviting the sleeveless one to “join the gunshow”?.....yeah dude, and I was easily more psyched to do a whole show for julie’s aunt than I was for the 75 rockfans in cleveland…..i think the first words I said when I went onstage were a thank-you to “julie’s aunt”…..i also told her that I was good/normal and that I lived in iowa now…..i told her that I was a college professor and that I hadn’t stalked anyone in 7-8 years….and julie’s aunt smiled and was quite cordial…..i also told her that wred and I had been debating in the car what would happen at the chicago show and how, if it were me, that I would have sent a spy…..and julie’s aunt looked at the ground while squirming a bit in her seat….then it was time for the crowd to request stories from fat on the vine and I announced that I would only take requests from julie’s aunt……and julie’s aunt asked for julie stories…..julie was/is a lesbian, so there was really no way to get around that (and I have to assume that julie’s aunt already knew)…..other than that, I think my julie stories made her look like a rockstar (somewhere between courtney love and the merry pranksters)…..like obviously julie’s aunt appeared uncomfortable when I described how julie would role-play with panties that I had stolen for her, but overall, I think she understood that I was paying tribute to her niece as opposed to trashing her ….and when it came time for another round of stories, julie’s aunt perked up and requested “top ten lovelife stories after julie” (and you know [censored because i like my job] was on the list, but she’ll be happy to know that in real time, I skipped over her name---on that particular night)…..and before I told those stories, I stressed the point that they were all absurd----that I wasn’t onstage to brag about the miracle nights when I did actually get laid, I was onstage to retell the most embarrassing stories of my entire life---“peanut butter parfait” was there as was “bossycow,” “the toilet troll” and “secretary liz”…..and six weeks later in the swiss cheese that is my brain, I don’t remember the other 5 stories that I told….no doubt, I was on a roll as exemplified by the fact that the original crowd of 8 people had swelled to close to 11….and as soon as the show ended, julie’s aunt popped up and was halfway out the door when wred said: “brother, I think you should give the nice lady a book for teasing her the way you did”…..julie’s aunt turned around, smiled and quietly replied “no, thank-you”---classy to the end or at least classier than me…..